It's What It Is
by AnAverageGirl15
Summary: A chance meeting brings two lives back together, changing their life forever.
1. Chapter 1

**A/N: This is completely a Literati story. It may not look like it at first, but if you stick with me I promise you that they will end up together. The story timeline starts when Rory is on the campaign trail for Obama's presidency run. She's been on the road for one year, so it's been two years since she last saw Jess. Hope you enjoy and continue with me.**

Rory smiled blissfully as she inhaled the aromas in the coffee shop. She hadn't had a good cup of coffee in such a long time. Life on the road was not what she expected but everything she had wanted, minus the terrible coffee part. Rory thanked the barista for her coffee before turning to leave the shop. She let her eyes drift over the patrons waiting in line and the few sitting at tables. She was just about to leave when her eyes landed on the last person she expected to see.

Rory couldn't help how her smile widened. Even with how they left things, she still was happy to see him. She shouldn't go up to him, she knew that. However, Rory also wanted to go up to him. To have a conversation with a friend, hopefully still a friend, and to feel at home. Pushing back all her doubts and worries Rory moved forward. Walking slowly, she came up behind him and spoke. "Hi."

Jess stopped reading and turned around in his seat after he recognized Rory's voice. "How ya doing?"

Rory felt the telltale heat of her blush as she answered, "Good. How about you?"

She watched as Jess smiled at her, hoping he too was remembering a time many years ago. "Good." He looked down to the coffee in her hand before gesturing, "Wanna join me?"

Rory stuffed one of her hands in her jeans pocket before saying, "Yeah, sure." Sliding into the seat across of him, she smiled at him again before sneaking a peek at the book in front of him. Her eyes widened a little as she noticed that it was a textbook. "Do my eyes deceive me or is Jess Mariano actually studying?"

Jess laughed softly as he brought his hand up to rub the back of his neck. "Yeah, no, your eyes are not deceiving you. Trust me, this is the last thing I want to be doing. Matt got it in his head though that one of us should at least have some type of degree in English. Since he has the Business degree and Chris is working on his Fine Arts, it fell on me. It makes the most sense too, since I am sort of a writer too."

Rory felt her mouth drop open in happy astonishment. "Jess, that's amazing! Where are you going? What are you taking now? Are all your classmates jealous that you're already an accomplished writer? I bet they are. Green with envy."

Jess shock his head, letting another laugh escape. "I don't know how, I keep telling Chris that the admissions must have been high when they went over my application, but I'm actually going to Penn."

Without thinking Rory reached across the table and laid her hand on Jess' arm, squeezing it. "That's so…Wow."

Jess nodded, still having a hard time believing it, even if he was almost finished with his second year. "Yeah, I know. Right now I'm just trying to get through this poetry course. You know I've never really been a big fan of it. Matt kept bugging me though to take it so I could understand his poets better." Jess rolled his eyes good naturedly. "Anyways, I'm just getting ready for the final and hoping I don't ever have to take another poetry course."

Rory laughed softly. "It can't be that terrible. At least it's not Ayn Rand."

Jess leaned back in his chair, moaning playfully. "Thank god. I could not sit through a whole seminar about that woman, let alone a full six weeks." Jess smiled at Rory, before he said, "Enough about me though. What are you doing here?"

Rory tried to hide her smile as she said, "Oh, you know, just on the campaign trail for Senator Obama. Nothing all that great."

Jess' smiled widened, his pride shining in his eyes at her. "I'm looking at the next Christiane Amanpour, aren't I? Should I get your autograph now before you become to famous to remember us lowly people?"

Rory tucked a piece of her hair behind her ear, her skin flushing softly. "Stop. I'm nowhere even close to becoming her. But it's amazing and nothing I expected."

Jess finished for her, "But everything you wanted, right?"

Rory's smiled soften, a warm feeling filling her. "Yeah, exactly." She had missed this. This easy banter, easy talking. Rory talked with her mom almost on a daily basis and she always felt homesick afterward, but this was different. It was more than feeling at home. It was a feeling of being safe. Rory realized suddenly that her hand was still resting on Jess' arm. She let her fingers gently rub against his long sleeve, before drawing up the courage to say what was floating in her mind. "Jess…"

Just then though a woman came up behind Jess and ducked down, kissing his cheek softly. "Hey babe, sorry I'm late. Professor Bernstein is just so riveting." The woman just noticed Rory, startlingly slightly. "Oh."

Jess smiled at her before introducing them. "Becca, this is an old friend, Rory. Rory, this is my girlfriend, Becca."

Rory felt a twinge of something in her stomach at his words. She covered her reaction quickly by smiling excitedly, hoping it reached her eyes, as she extended her hand to shake Becca's hand. "It's nice to meet you."

Becca smiled back at her. "It's nice to meet you too. Jess has hardly told me anything about his childhood, it's nice to finally meet someone that can tell me some juicy stories."

Jess groaned softly. "Oh geez."

Becca shushed him. "Now, be honest, he was a nerd, wasn't he? He tries to put on this bad boy persona, but the amount of books he reads and his massive knowledge of just everything all points to nerd. Don't lie for him, Rory, it's okay. I'll love him either way." She looked at Jess, smiling as she said, "Maybe even a little bit more."

Rory watched as Jess smiled at his girlfriend and realized that he was in love. He had moved on. She knew she should be happy, and on some level she was happy for him. However, at the moment she just felt sick. She cleared her throat, trying to get the lump in her throat to go away. "Um, no embarrassing stories. Sorry. Jess has always been Jess. I don't know, sorta a mixture of James Dean and Mark Twain. He has an amazing brain, his writing is just…" Looking up she got flustered at the look Jess was giving her. "Anyway, I should actually get going. It was nice running into Jess." Standing up, she hesitated for a second before throwing out a lifeline to reestablish their friendship. Rummaging through her purse for her wallet, Rory pulled out her business card. She quickly wrote on the back of the card before handing it to Jess. "Um, here's my card. It has my email and my cell phone number is on the back. This way another two years won't go by without us catching up."

Jess took it before reaching into his back pocket for his wallet, pulling out his own card. "Yeah, that would be nice."

Rory looked down at the card, seeing Jess' publishing house name along with his email and cell phone number, as well as the business phone number. She chuckled underneath her breath. "I can't believe we just exchanged business cards. We're so grown up." Looking up at Jess, she tucked in a stray piece of hair behind her ear again. "Bye Jess, it was really good to see you again."

Jess stood as Rory pushed her chair back. "Yeah, it was. Bye Rory."

Rory grabbed her cup of coffee before waving at Becca, saying a soft bye to her before taking her leave. She stepped outside, letting the cool air rush over her. Looking back she watched as Jess smiled at his girlfriend. It was the smile he used to only smile at her. Rory smiled sadly, happy that Jess was happy. She whispered to herself, remembering something Jess said the last time she saw him. "It's what it is. You. Me." Just then Jess looked up and out the window at her. He smiled at her and waved. Rory smiled back, waving goodbye with the hand that still held his card. Rory turned around and started to walk toward her hotel, looking down at the card, wondering what she should do next.


	2. Chapter 2

**A/N: A few things first. This is endgame Literati. This also is going to explore a lot of Jess Mariano's life before Star's Hollow. This is my own headcannon for Jess and what led to him being such an angry 17 year old boy when we first met him. I have things planned for this story. Things that I feel need to be addressed that had always bugged me from the show, will be addressed. There are no perfect people in the world and that needs to be shown. Jess is by far perfect. Neither is Rory or Lorelai. Or even Luke. Issues that need to be addressed will be. I am also not one for the ever unrealistic view of love. To love someone is work. It is hard, yet it can be great. That is what this story is about. I hope you enjoy this chapter and the ones to follow. I certainly enjoy writing them.**

 _I had nothing to offer anybody except my own confusion._ – Jack Kerouac

Jess stared at his laptop screen, watching the cursor blinking at him mockingly. He had gotten the assignment over a week ago and he still couldn't think of what to write. Growling in frustration, he slammed it shut. Maybe going the old fashion way would help his writer's block. Refilling his mug quickly, Jess went in search of a notebook that could be written in. He always did like write by hand more anyways. It felt more intimate and real than when he typed out words. He could always seen how he felt in his scrawl of words. A certain slant or even the darkening of ink on the page and Jess could see what he was feeling as he wrote.

He smirked slightly as he found his old red spiraled notebook, moving it aside to a new leather bond one. A gift from Becca. She knew how much he loved to write. She had seen it first hand when he would scribble on the back of receipts and loose paper. Or even when she would watch him write in the margins of his books. Never her own though. Jess didn't know why he couldn't bring himself to do that.

Moving toward his stereo, Jess scanned the collection of CDs he had before landing on one that was a secret favorite. He slid the disc into the tray and waited a few seconds before the sounds filled the room. Jess hoped that as _Explosions in the Sky_ played out in the room it would bring him into some kind of mood to write. He looked back down at his notebook and thought again on the topic that he had been having such a hard time writing about. He was about to scream in frustration when his phone rang unexpectedly. Looking down at the caller id, he was surprised by the name he read. It had been almost a year since he last spoken to her in the coffee shop. "Hey."

Hearing her excited voice brought a smile to his face, forgetting momentarily about his writer's block. "Hey, Jess. You'll never guess what just happened."

"What?"

He could hear her smile as she told him. "You have a new fanboy."

Jess didn't know how to react to that. Furrowing his brow, he shook his head in disbelief. "What?"

Rory laughed softly as she explained. "My editor loves you. A few days ago I was feeling homesick. I thought that maybe reading one of my old books from back home would do the trick to make me feel better. But nothing was working. I was just about ready to give up when I saw your book and I don't know, I just felt that that would do the trick. You know, it's so you and I can hear your voice when I read it. You always did make me feel…anyways. I was reading it when my editor passed by and he knows I'm good for giving recommendations. So he asked what I was reading and I told him. I lent him my copy, making him swear to bring it back in mint condition, of course. When he brought it back, he could not believe he hadn't heard of you before. He even went online to find a copy for himself. He's devastated by the way that there are no more copies in circulation. He offered to buy my copy off of me. That's how much he loves it. But when I mentioned that I actually know the author his mouth dropped open. So here I am, letting you know that you have a new fanboy who begged me to beg you for a copy of _The Subsect_. He would also like me to ask you when another of your works will be coming out."

Jess didn't know how to process what Rory had just said. First, there was the fact that Rory was his own personal ambassador of his work. He didn't think that much of his short novel. He honestly did feel like just scrapping the whole thing most of the time. Moments like this though, or even when Matthew or Chris encouraged him to write another novel, made him think maybe he did have something. A voice to be heard. To know now though, that other people that he didn't know and people who had no connection to him, loved his work. A tightness filled his chest, making it hard to breathe. He had an affect on someone, like Bukowski or Ginsberg had had on him. Maybe he wasn't a terrible writer. He wasn't crazy, well, not too crazy at least.

Clearing his throat, Jess tried to form words. As usual, though, none came to him. For being a writer, he sucked at forming words aloud. Rory took his silence as him telling her that he knew the last part of her statement was a lie. "He really did ask me to ask you about a sequel of sorts. Of course, I'm not denying the fact that finding out for myself would be an added bonus. Something to look forward to in the literary world with, especially with all the vampiric books now streaming in. I need something to cleanse my soul. No pressure of course."

That got a laugh out of Jess. He could just imagine the look of disgust on Rory's face at the thought of her having to read such a book. Getting his bearings back slightly, Jess spoke softly. "I can send you a copy for him."

"Really? That'd be great." Jess could hear someone else's muffled voice speak to Rory before she came back. "So, he's asking if you could send a few copies. He already has some people in mind he wants to give them to. He's willing to pay a substantial amount for them. I'd take advantage of the moment and charge him way over the asking price."

Jess laughed as he felt that tightness again in his chest. "I think I have about a dozen lying somewhere in the back of Truncheon. Tell him not to worry about payment either, him like that crap is enough payment. I feel like I should pay him something for having to read that."

He could just see her frowning face as she reprimanded him. "Jess, your work is amazing. You were always so hard on yourself. Never seeing the potential I saw. You're an amazing writer. Never doubt that. I'll let Hugo know though," her voice got louder, as if speaking to another person listening in on the conversation, "that you will be sending him a box full of free copies."

Jess listened to her as she laughed at whatever her editor must have done to the news. He could only imagine. A lull filled the air, comfortable as they always were between them, before Rory asked, softer this time, "How are you, by the way? How's UPenn treating you?"

Jess groaned as he was reminded again of his final paper. "You just had to remind me." Running his fingers through his hair, he told Rory. "I'm just trying to get past these last few weeks and then I'll be done with it all."

He heard a small gasp, before Rory literally gushed. "You're graduating!"

Smirking slightly, Jess nodded, "Yeah. Despite my best efforts, I'm coming away with a B.A. Of course, if my writer's block decides to not go away, I'll have wasted four years of my life."

Rory sighed knowingly. "Writer's block is the worst. Maybe I can help. What's the essay topic? That is, if you don't mind help. I mean, I get it if you don't want it. I'm like that sometimes."

Jess smiled again at her embarrassed rambling. He missed that about her. He loved to listen to her ramble. "A little help might actually help. Professor Miller wants us to write a short fictional story based off of something from our childhood. That's the only parameter for it. We can spin it however we want, as long as we lived it, he'll be happy. The man is so insufferable. He even told us that we can skip the next four weeks of class to write this stupid thing." Sighing in frustration again, Jess rubbed the back of his neck. He knew why he was having such a hard time with coming up with something. His childhood wasn't something Jess wanted to revisit. It was in the past and he wanted to leave it that way. He didn't want to think about how terrible things had been. He was stable now and happy, that's what mattered.

Jess could almost hear Rory's mind whirring with ideas. It was a few minutes before she asked softly, a note of hesitance and something else he could describe in her voice. "What about Stars Hollow? Can you think of anything from that time you liked?" Of course she would know he didn't want to think of his time before Stars Hollow. She hardly knew anything of his past before he came to the small town, just that he was a "troubled teen on the road to more trouble". What that actually entailed, she never knew or found out. But she had her own inklings about the matter.

Jess shook his head at the mention of Stars Hollow. "No." He heard her soft, _Oh_ , her sadness seeping through the line, before he quickly amended. "I don't consider Stars Hollow as part of my childhood. That time, it was more a transition period for me from child to adulthood. For me to do this, to feel that I'm giving the assignment due credit, it has to be from my… _past_."

Silence filled the air before Rory spoke with slight awe. "You like this professor, don't you?"

Jess felt the tips of his ears burn as a blush rose up his neck. "I don't hate him."

Her next words sounded choked, like she was holding back a lot of emotion. "That's really great, Jess. I'm really happy for you."

"Thanks."

Another moment passed where Jess felt like telling her how he never thought he could feel this way about learning and the education system. All his life growing up, he had teachers either exasperated at him for not paying attention in class because he was bored or angered that he didn't care about the topic they were on, him being more interested in whatever new book – or old – he was reading. They didn't understand that he already knew whatever it was they were teaching, having read through the textbook within the first few days of the start of the school year. They never tried to figure out that he did have a passion for learning, just not at there pace and level. However, when he went to his first few classes at University of Pennsylvania, he felt for the first time the professors cared. Sure, there were still a few here and there that only cared about covering material. There were also the ones though that lived for discussion and debate over what they read, some even ignoring the day's scheduled lesson in preference for a lively discourse on a book that touched a student. That's what he wanted. That's what he had craved when he was younger. To be looked at as an equal intellect and someone with a voice. Professor Miller was one of the few Jess truly loved being in class with.

The moment passed though as Rory told him softly, "I've always wondered how different I would be if my dad had stayed with my mom when I was little. Or even if my mom had had me when she was older. Would I still be me? Would I like the things that I like? Would I be as close to my mom as I am now? How did that signal moment of them deciding to not stay together or my mom being so young truly dictate who I am today? What would my life be like now?"

Jess leaned back on his couch, letting her words sink in. "Huh. Dystopia versus utopia."

"Yeah, exactly." Jess let that thought sink in deeper, digesting it before his muse grabbed hold of it. He felt that familiar twitch in his hand. The sign of wanting to write, wanting to purge his soul onto paper. He knew now what he would write about. Everything fell into place. He could see it. He could feel it. A cleansing almost of his soul. This was it. Rory's voice broke through his thoughts, her soft laughter a firm reminder of the good in the world. "The muse is calling, isn't it?"

He huffed softly in amusement. "Yeah, sorry."

Rory smiled at the other end of the line. "No worries. I'm glad I could help a little. I'll let you go though. Let you get to your writing. Bye, Jess."

Before she could hang up, Jess couldn't stop himself from telling her, "Rory, wait." She hummed softly, letting him know that she was still there. "Stars Hollow…um, it, well, you…" He stopped, trying to form the right words. "That was the best part."

He doesn't know if he conveyed everything he meant. He was definitely better at written word than spoken, even now. When Rory spoke again, he could hear the tears in her one word. "Jess…"

"Text me the address of where to send the books. Bye, Rory."

She agreed to text him before saying goodbye again. He ended the call, looking at his phone, before looking back at his notebook. Grabbing his pen, he started to write.

* * *

Jess sat across from Professor Miller, watching him take out his short story. His final paper. Professor Miller sat down at his desk, placing the paper between them. Jess was tempted to see his final grade but nervous at the same time. Why would Miller ask to see him, calling him on his cell phone nonetheless, to discuss his paper. Jess resorted to a habit he hadn't done in ages, picking at the armrest of the chair he sat in, the only sign that he was anxious. Waiting with bated breath, Jess nearly jumped when the professor spoke. "Jess, do you know why I called you?"

Shaking his head, Jess ran his hand through his hair. "No, not really, sir."

Professor Miller nodded once, before looking down at the paper before him. He flipped to one exceptional passage in it. Clearing his throat, he began to read. " _There is no dystopia. There is no utopia. There is only reality. Experiences and events put together, that is what creates our lives. Whether they be the harsh realities of the darker parts of this world or the ever longed for and ever lasting good parts. Strung together, it all creates something. Each individual must choose whether to take their past, their life, the realities of the world and become something._

' _As Robert read Bukowski's_ _ **Bluebird**_ _once again, he felt anger rise within him. He felt betrayed by a man he once praised. The realities of life became clearer. To live, to truly live his life, he needed to let go. His life had been hard. His life had made him tough and angry. He had hated to world for failing him. Since birth he was handed the shittiest card he could be given. Yet, it made him into the man he was today. The man that stood before the world with that bluebird fighting to be released. So, he slowly opened his heart. Robert dialed her number. As he listened to each resounding ring, he felt that bluebird flaps its wings preparing to take flight. When she finally answered, he let go and watched as the blue bird soared high above, finally being freed. For the first time since he was five, Robert took in a breath and finally lived again.'_ " Professor Miller, slowly placed the paper down and Jess felt his chest constrict. He didn't know why but his eyes stung with unshed tears. He clenched his jaw as he thought back to when he had finished his story. His life written out before him, yet it wasn't his.

Professor Miller leaned forward, speaking softly, "Did you finish it?"

Jess looked up, confused by Miller's words. "What?"

"The story. Did you finish it? I know the assignment was a 30 paged short story. This, though, this is unfinished. It has a beginning and an end. What it's missing is the middle."

Jess bit the inside of his cheek before taking in a slowly, even breath. Looking up at Professor Miller, Jess nodded. "Yes, I finished it."

Professor Miller smiled softly. "Good. Now, let me get to the reason why I called you in today. Have you thought of going for your Master's?"

Jess rubbed the back of his neck, thrown a little by the question. "No, not really. I only did this because my business partners thought it was a good idea for one of us to have a B.A. School was never really my thing."

Miller chuckled at that. He opened his drawer, pulling out Jess' transcripts. "I saw that when I went over your file." Reading it over quickly, he said, "You dropped out of high school before taking your GED a year later. Not to long after that, you published your first book," looking up at Jess, he spoke sincerely, "which is an amazing work. Only after that did you apply to here." Closing Jess' file, Miller leaned back in his chair. "I don't know if you know this, but I'm on the Acceptance Committee for our English Department. I remember looking over your application, wondering how you thought you could get accepted into the program. Then I read your essay and I knew you had to be accepted. I saw that raw talent so few have. I saw what I want all my students to aspire to become."

Jess hated that he felt a lump form in his throat at Miller's words of praise. He had gotten it so few time growing up that even now it did something to him. "Thank you, sir."

Miller watched the young man before him and couldn't help the smile that came. "Jess, I would like to do something I have never done before in all my years of teaching. I see something in you, something that I cannot let go to waste. You have something so very few people have and I would be honored to assist you in your endeavor in the literary world. I would like to sponsor your _completed_ work into the Creative Writing contest. This is a piece I have no doubt will win. I would also like you to think about publishing this piece. Talk with your publisher of course, but I believe that they will agree with my sentiment that this will come to rival the greats."

Jess couldn't process anything that his professor was saying. It was overwhelming. To see such love for his work, his story, in a man he admired. Who was almost like a mentor to him. It humbled him and made him feel like his voice was finally heard and accepted. Jess however didn't how he felt about the idea of publishing it. He remembered Chris telling him one time, after they had told him they wanted to publish _The Subsect_ , that everything an author wrote that truly touched someone's heart had been experienced in someway by the author. That was why they published his work. They saw that in his writing. His heart and soul was dripping onto the pages in ink.

Everything in his new story had some truth to it. The experiences his character had gone through had been versions of his own life. For the world to see that, for the people he could now admit he cared about to see that. It was almost too much. Yet, when he had written that last line, Jess had felt a lightness come over him. A weight had been lifted. Looking up at his professor, Jess agreed. "Okay."

Professor Miller smiled. "Excellent. Now, I would like propose something else. I would like for you to apply to get your M.A. It's only one year and I would also be the one to sponsor you. You will have to apply to be my T.A., of course. However, I see little reason as to why you won't be accepted. You've kept an upstanding GPA of 3.88 and still work for your publishing company. What do you think?"

Jess didn't know what happened to him in the moment. Perhaps he had a stroke, because, without thinking, the next word out of his mouth was, "Okay."


	3. Chapter 3

**A/N: Guys, try and bear with me as we get through this relationship. I really want to show that Jess would not have pined over Rory. That he would have tried to move on. Remember, this is a Literati story. Remember that** _ **.**_

" _What matters most is how well you walk through the fire."_ – Charles Bukowski

Jess' knee kept moving up and down as he watched apprehensively as Chris and Matthew read his manuscript at his dining room table. He had kept his word with Professor Miller. He had submitted it to the Creative Writing contest. Jess was even more surprised when he won. Which brought him to this moment. He hadn't even told his partners the news about his decision to continue on to get his M.A., but that was for another time. He'd tell them after they read his manuscript and decided if they would publish it or if everything Professor Miller had told him were empty words.

Jess was about to go over to the two again when Becca walked through the door. He sighed in relief. "Hey."

Becca smiled at him, leaning down to kiss him softly. "Hi. They still reading it?"

Jess sighed heavily. "Yeah. I don't know if that's good or bad. When I read manuscripts, it usually only takes me a few paragraphs, maybe a few pages, before I know if it's worth publishing. They've been reading for over three hours."

Becca sat next to him on the couch, squeezing his knee gently. "I'm sure they're just riveted by it. One of those books that you can't put down until you finish it." She snuck a look at the manuscript on the table in front of her. Slowly, she started to edge toward it, however Jess caught on and pulled her back against him.

"Nope. You know the rule."

She pouted at him, wrapping her hands around his arm that held her against him. "It's basically published though! I know Chris and Matthew will say they'll publish it. You're just stalling."

Jess pressed her closer to him, his voice dropping slightly. "Would you say the same thing about one of your pieces?"

Becca hated that he was right. She didn't like anyone looking at her project until she was finished painting it. Glaring into space, she huffed in defeat. "No, I wouldn't say the same thing. Fine, but that just means you have to distract me until I get to read it."

A knowing smirk spread on Jess' face as he leaned down. He pressed his lips against Becca's, their mouths opening just as Chris leaned back in his chair and spoke. "Holy shit."

Matthew looked up as he finished as well. He rubbed at his eyes, his mouth hanging open slightly. He honestly couldn't form any words. Looking at Chris, they spoke silently – having known each other for so long. They knew what sat before them. What needed to be done.

At Chris' words, Jess pulled away from Becca, looking back at the two of them. He didn't know what his partners looks meant. He and Becca both stood up with Jess slowly walking toward Chris and Matthew. "Well?"

Chris shook his head as he looked back down at the manuscript. "Holy shit!"

Jess pushed up his sleeves, his nerves getting to him. "You said that already." Looking toward his other partner, he said, "Matthew, you haven't said anything yet. Do you think it's worth publishing?" At their silence, Jess looked at Becca who just shrugged her shoulders, bewildered as well. "I know I haven't written anything in a while, at least not that I thought of publishing. It's just," he ran his fingers through his hair anxiously, "Professor Miller said I should show this to you. I don't know why I listened to him. I…."

Chris leaned forward, his elbows resting on the table as he buried his hands in his hair. "Holy shit."

Jess growled in frustration. "Would you stop saying that!"

Matthew looked at Jess squarely as he told him. "We can't publish this."

Jess felt his heart sink. His story, his life, it wasn't good enough. He heard Becca begin to protest for him, telling the guys that they didn't know what they were talking about. Matthew shook his head again, talking over her, as he told Jess, "It's too good for us." He pointed down at Jess' manuscript as he spoke passionately, "This needs to be read by the world. Jess, this…we can't get you the publicity this book deserves. You need to bring it to another publisher. Someone that can make a name for you."

Jess felt his breath halt in his chest. "What?"

Chris leaned back in his chair then and said quietly, with awe in his voice. "Holy shit."

Matthew pointed at Chris. "Look at what you did to Chris! The man can never not give his opinion and the only thing he can form is that. Jess," Matthew grabbed the manuscript and placed it in Jess' hands, "you need to take this somewhere else that deserves it."

Jess looked down at the script, his life really – or at least a lighter version of it, and then back up at his friends. He didn't really know how to process their words. He thought back to how Professor Miller had looked down at it after finishing it. Something akin to hope mixed in with wonderment. Had he really done that? Jess couldn't fathom stirring that type of emotion. His life wasn't like that. He didn't understand it.

Becca noticed Jess' look. He was lost for words. "Jess, babe, this is great. This is it. You did it!"

Jess looked at her, still trying to form the right words. He looked back at Chris and Matthew, shaking his head. "No." At the Matthew's confused look, Jess went on. "I'm not going anywhere else."

Matthew shook his own head as he sighed, "Jess."

However, Jess cut him off. "You guys gave me a chance when I sure as hell didn't deserve it. You gave me this amazing job, that I love by the way, which I was not qualified for. You took a hell of a chance on me. You guys are my family, I'm…I won't go anywhere else. It's either you or I don't publish it."

Matthew threw his head back at his stubborn friend before glaring at him, willing him to give in. He knew it was pointless though. In the few short years that they knew each other, Matthew knew that when Jess became your friend, when you gained his trust, he was loyal to the end. Slowly blowing out his breath, Matthew ran his hand through his hair. "Fine," he pointed a finger at Jess, "but we're doing a hell of a lot of promoting. Which means more traveling and schmoozing up bookstores. Maybe even talking to a few local papers to review it. No arguments about it."

Jess slowly grinned, finally feeling excited and nervous energy filling him. "Fine."

Chris groaned softly, leaning down so his elbows rested against his legs as his head hung low. "Holy shit."

Matthew looked at their friend, concerned. "I think you actually broke him."

Jess laughed softly, "I think I did."

* * *

He held his second book in his hand. This one was thicker, by a lot. It was also weightier, not just in volume either. The words within it held an air of gravitas. It was anything but light reading. It grabbed the soul, dragging it through the darkest alleys and down the deepest holes, shining light on things even in the bottomless abyss. It left the reader feeling heavy at heart, but lighter than ever before. Or that's how many people had described it to Jess, as well as Chris and Matthew. It hadn't been officially released yet, however the three of them were showing it to local bookstores before heading out on the road once it was.

Jess flipped to the dedication page, skimming the words. When Chris and Matthew had sat down with him again, after Chris was able to form actual sentences, they had asked him if he had wanted to dedicate it to someone. Perhaps to _his Sarah_. Jess didn't want to think about what they meant at that moment. However, when he had gone home and sat down for the final edits, he knew that they were right. The girl that his character, Robert, could finally open up to was the one that always saw the best in him. His Sarah was Rory. Yet, he didn't want the world to know who his Sarah was. He wanted that to be his secret. Later that night he told them that he would dedicate it to a friend from his past. He had let Becca know before hand as well. He told all of them though, that they'd have to wait to see it when it was in book form.

Jess read over the dedication again. _To the girl who told me I was strong enough to accomplish the impossible. Who wanted more for me when I wanted nothing. Thank you._ He still remembered that fateful night of the car crash. Her words, those words. For the first time in his life he was told he could become something. He hadn't believed it then. Jess didn't believe it until he had his first book in his hands. Now, with his second one about to be released, Jess knew that all of it was owed to her. She probably never realized what it meant to him. She probably didn't even remember that conversation.

Closing the book, he slipped it into the envelope before sealing it closed. Jess didn't know her new address and he didn't want to call Luke for it either. He knew that he could just call or text her to ask, they had after all been talking more since her first contact with him which led him to writing this story. However, Jess wanted to surprise her with this. A thank you and an apology all in one. Perhaps even an explanation. Not an excuse. He wanted her to know that he was sorry for how he had treated her back then and that she couldn't have fixed him. She had started the process though. She deserved to know that, even if he couldn't tell her directly.

Quickly, before he lost his nerves, he wrote down the old Stars Hollow address. He knew Lorelai still lived at the same place, knowing Luke had moved in with her not too long ago. Jess knew she would take good care of Rory's mail until it got to her. Jess decided against putting a returning address, knowing as well, that Lorelai wouldn't like Rory being in contact with him again. He knew very little would ever change her mind on him.

Sighing, Jess tapped the envelope against his desk briefly before standing up. He shouted at Matthew and Chris that he was heading home and that he would see them tomorrow morning to start the distribution road trip. He was walking home, taking in the winter's crisp air after dropping off the envelope to be mailed, when his phone rang. Checking the caller id, he was surprised by the name that appeared. "Hello?"

"Jess, I wanted to let you know that I just received a peculiar package. It seems that an author has sent me a copy of his book. Now, I remember specifically telling this young man that I would be purchasing it tomorrow when it was officially released."

Jess smiled at Professor Miller's words. "Yeah, I know you told me that. That's the perks of knowing the author though, you get the book for free."

He heard the man scoff. "You deserve all the profit from this, Jess. This…I am very proud of you." Miller cleared his throat, before continuing. "I actually called you though to discuss your continuation onto to achieving your M.A. Now I know that you told me you would be on the road distributing your work. What I want for you to do is to focus on that. Take a semester or two off and focus on spreading the word. I'll even do my fair share of bragging to my fellow colleagues of my star pupil."

Jess could hear the smile in Miller's voice and he felt a warmth spread through him. While Luke would always be a father figure to him, Miller had filled a void that had been empty for so many years. He was like a doting grandfather, always speaking with pride of his grandson. Jess swallowed around the emotion before speaking softly, "Thank you, sir. For everything, thank you."

There was a beat of silence before Miller spoke, "It's my pleasure. Now, I expect updates on the distribution front and we'll discuss you continuing for your M.A. before the Fall semester starts up again. Alright?"

Jess nodded, "Alright. Thanks, Professor Miller." They spoke their goodbyes just as Jess unlocked the door to his apartment. It was late, almost midnight, as he walked quietly through the door. He smiled softly as he saw Becca sleeping on the couch, no doubting waiting for him to come home to see his book. Leaning down, he kissed her forehead, waking her up gently. "Hey sleepyhead."

Becca smiled at him, kissing him in greeting, before extending her hands in a grabby gesture. Jess laughed before retrieving the book from his messenger bag. Her eyes lit up as she read the title. _The Nonentity_. Before she could open the book, Jess placed his hand over it. "There's something I need to talk to you about first, before you dive in."

Frowning slightly, she placed the book down, focusing on her boyfriend. "Okay, this sounds serious. What is it?"

Jess sat down on their coffee table, rubbing the back of his neck. "It's not _serious_ serious. It's just news." Taking a deep breath, he final told her. "Professor Miller asked me to come back for another year to get my M.A., as well as to be his T.A."

Becca sat back against the cushions, letting that news sink in. "Oh. Well, that's…great." She knew she should be happier for Jess, yet she had been looking forward to him not being so busy with school as well as work. It had been a hard one and a half years for them. Having to schedule time to be together. Things college students shouldn't have to do. She knew that this was an amazing for Jess, but she just wasn't excited about this news.

Jess could sense her shift in emotions and knew that this would lead to fight if he didn't diffuse it soon. "I know that this will mean that I have to take on more work. I've already talked to Chris and Matthew about it. We've agreed that while I finish up my M.A. I'll take on less work at Truncheon. Babe, it's only to going to be for a year and I won't even start for another semester or two. I know you were looking forward to being able to spend more time together. I was too." Jess grabbed her hand. "We have all of winter and spring together. Okay?"

Becca smiled at him, leaning in to kiss him softly. "Okay. I'm happy for you. Really. I just…I miss us."

Jess smiled at her as he kissed her again, slowly pushing her back so that he was hovering over her. "Is that so? Well, I can think of something that I can do to remedy that."

Becca laughed as he started to kiss down her neck. "Nope. You are not distracting me now. Not when I've been waiting weeks for this book. Off to bed with you. I can afford no distractions."

Jess huffed softly against her neck, shaking his head as he pushed himself up. "Fine." Kissing her again, he told her goodnight before heading to bed.

* * *

Jess woke with a groan, the alarm going off loudly next to his head. Slamming his hand against it, he glared at the offensive machinery. It was Becca's alarm, letting her know she needed to get ready for her art group. One of her professor's T.A.'s had set up a small group of students to meet up every week to go to some unknown place and just get lost in the art of the world. Usually though, Becca would roll over him and turn it off. Jess frowned as he stretched his arm out and felt the cold sheets. He didn't have to be up for another hour, but Jess also knew that he wouldn't be able to go back to sleep if he didn't find out what had kept Becca from coming to bed.

Slowly, Jess ambled to where he had last seen his girlfriend. He found her in the same spot. She didn't look happy though. Jess looked down at the book opened in her hands and found that it was open to the dedication page. He swallowed thickly, before speaking. "Becca?"

Becca wiped at her eye, banishing any tears that may come. "Do you love her?"

Jess took another step forward, cautiously. "Who?"

Becca finally looked at him, anger on full display. "Don't play dumb. It's not flattering." She looked away, running a hand through her blonde hair. "I remember you telling me about a high school girlfriend, but you never…Do you still love her, Jess?"

Jess closed his eyes, rubbing his hands over his face. This was not how he had wanted to spend his morning. "I'm in love with you."

"That's not answering my question! Do you still love her?"

Jess turned away from her briefly, before turning back shouting, "What do you want me to say, Becca?"

She stood up then, the book falling to the floor. "I want the truth."

"Yes, I still love her. But I'm not in love with her. There's a difference."

Becca rolled her eyes, scoffing. She wrapped her arms around her torso as tears clouded her vision. "That's a bunch of bull."

Jess' anger spiked. "No! Rory was the first person to make me see that I was worth something. That just won't go away. Those feelings won't just disappear, Becca. But I moved on. I'm here, with you. I want to be here, _with you_."

Becca yelled back. "You wrote a whole goddamn book to her, Jess! Our whole relationship, I've tried to get you to open up about your past. You wouldn't though. Yet, for her, you will. What do you think that does to me? How the hell do you think that makes me feel, Jess? You could open up to the last person you should be opening up to. _I'm_ your girlfriend. I'm the one your suppose to be vulnerable with. Not _her_. Anyone but her!"

Jess took a step toward her, slowly. "Becca, I didn't write that for her. I wrote it for me. I was finally ready and the only way I saw I could talk about it was if I wrote it out. She only helped me…"

Becca took a step back, away from him. "What? What do you mean she helped you?"

Jess waved it off as he told her, "When I was working on that assignment from Miller, the one I wrote that for, she called to ask for a favor. She asked how I was doing and we got to talking about the assignment. I was having writer's block and she gave me an idea. That's it. She's just a friend."

Becca looked away from Jess, shaking her head. "God! I'm such an idiot. Of course she was the one to help you." She looked back at him as she said, "How did you say it? She was the one that told you you were strong enough. Why don't you tell her you still love her while you're at it?"

Jess felt like screaming. "Becca, I don't know what you want me to say or do. I'm here with you. God, I love you! Isn't that enough?"

Becca wiped at a few tears that fell. Shaking her head, she whispered, "I wish it was." Swallowing thickly, she told Jess, "I have to go. I'm going to be late for my group."

Jess started to walk toward her as she opened their door. "Becca…"

She looked back at him, grabbing her purse, before she said, "I just need time. Have a nice trip, Jess. I'll talk to you when you get back." Jess watched as she closed the door, wondering what the hell he was going to do.


	4. Chapter 4

**A/N: Don't expect this kind of updating again. I knew what I needed to write though and I had enough time at work to be able to so. This probably won't happen again. We are definitely getting closer to something momentous! The idea that this whole story sprouted from. So, I'm definitely excited by that. I hope you enjoy.**

 **TRIGGER WARNING: Just in case, there is a mention of drug use and child abuse in this chapter. There will also be mentions of it in the next chapter.**

" _Sometimes our light goes out, but is blown again into instant flame by an encounter with another human being." –_ Albert Schweitzer

Jess sighed in aggravation as he got Becca's voicemail again. They had gone two weeks without talking. "It's me. Again. Look, we can't just leave things how they were. We need to talk about this. Without yelling." He saw Chris waving him over, no doubt to discuss how they were going to divide up the bookstores. Jess took in a deep breath as he finished up his message. "Becca, this isn't us. We don't fight. I can't remember a time when we weren't able to talk things out. Just…know that I love you. I really love you. I'll try and call you later tonight. Bye." Jess hung up and looked at his phone briefly. He didn't know what else he could do. If she wasn't going to answer her phone, there was no way that they could work things out.

Jess thought of the ring box hidden away in his dresser drawer. He had bought it just a few weeks prior. He hadn't planned it. That morning he and Becca had gone out for breakfast. It had just snowed and as they walked back to his car a strong wind gust blew into them. Becca had turned her face into him, whining softly as the cold bit at her cheeks. Jess had chuckled softly, the cold not bothering him, as he brought his hand up to cover her face. He had kissed the crown of her head, thinking in that moment that he truly loved her. He could do this every day with her. He could spend the rest of his life with her. That afternoon, while she was painting, he had gone out to find her a ring.

Jess shook his head at the memory. He wanted to fix things with Becca. He just didn't know how.

* * *

Becca looked down at her phone as it alerted her to another voicemail from Jess. She ignored it as she took a sip of coffee, leaning back into the couch. She looked up as her drinking companion asked, "Is that him again?"

Becca nodded, looking at Will. He had been such a good friend to her. When she had shown up to her art group that morning after her fight with Jess, Will had noticed immediately that something was wrong with her when he got the group started on their next project. They had talked after the group session was over for a few hours. He had listened and told her she wasn't crazy for her feelings. He listened to her. They had talked every day since then. She felt closer to Will than she had felt with anyone else. Looking back down at the phone, she spoke softly. "Yeah, he left another message. I just…don't want to talk with him. I know what he'll say. That their friendship is nothing, that I don't need to worry about it. I don't know, maybe I shouldn't. He's never done anything to make me question him. But lately, he's just been so distant. I don't know if it's because of the book being published or maybe it's me. Maybe he doesn't love me like he used to. I don't know what to make of it. When he looks at me, I know he does love me. But that isn't enough, right? I should be able to just know without having to look for it, right? Please, tell me again that I'm right."

Will gently grabbed her hand, squeezing it. "You're right. If I was him, you wouldn't be questioning if I love you. You'd know." He turned her hand over, let his fingers intertwine with hers as their palms pressed together. "You'd feel it with every touch."

Becca's mouth opened slightly, her fingers tingling at his gentle touch. "Will?"

Will brought his other hand up, tucking a piece of hair behind her ear. "With every caress. I'd show you every minute of every day, how much I love you." He let his hand slide to the back of her head, his fingers weaving through her hair.

Becca felt her breath become slow and shallow. Her heart sped up as she started to lean in toward him. "Will?""

He started to lean forward as well, his lips hovering over hers. Whispering softly he told her, "You'd feel my love for you in every kiss we'd share." Becca moved the last inch forward, slanting her mouth over his.

* * *

Rory opened the door to her childhood home, calling out, "I'm home."

She heard her mom shout joyfully, "Loin fruit, is it really you?"

Rory laughed underneath her breath, smiling as Lorelai ran over to her. They hugged tightly, happy to be together again. "I've missed you, mom."

Lorelai smiled, tightening her hold a little more. "You've been gone too long, conquering the world and all. I demand you come and visit your mommy more!"

They pulled apart as Rory said, "I wish I could, but my new job won't allow it."

Lorelai grinned widely, pride shining in her eyes. "You mean your new _New York Times_ job?"

Rory smiled brightly at that, still not used to her new position. She wasn't anyone just yet. Barely working there for a month. She loved it though and she knew that her mom was proud. "Yeah, that one."

Lorelai wrapped her arm around her daughter's shoulders, guiding her into the kitchen. "My little girl, a journalist for the _New York Times._ I'm so proud."

Rory blushed softly as Paul Anka trotted over to greet her. She scratched behind his ear as her mom went to pour her a cup of coffee. Looking around, Rory asked, "Where's Luke?"

Lorelai handed over the cup of coffee as she told her, "He wanted to head to the diner early to make you a special breakfast."

Rory's heart warmed at that. "He didn't have to do that."

Lorelai waved her hand, telling her daughter, "He's missed you too, kid." Pushing away from the table, she started to head toward the stairway. "Let me just grab my shoes and we'll be off!" Just as she passed the small table that held the mail, Lorelai remembered something. "Oh! I knew I was forgetting something. You received a package a few days ago."

Rory walked toward the mail, wondering why she would receive something at her mom's house. She had made sure to change her mailing address for everything. She picked it up and immediately noticed the handwriting. Rory looked up at the staircase to make sure her mom wasn't coming yet, before she ripped the envelope open. Excitement filled her as she tilted it, letting the contents of the package slip out. A book landed in her hand and as she examined it, her heart fluttered. _The Nonentity,_ written by Jess Mariano.

She wanted to yell at him. Not telling her that he was writing another book. She wanted to be there for him when it was released. Be part of his small support system. Quickly, she skimmed through it, noticing that this one was far from a short novel. She knew what she would be reading that night. Turning to the first page, wanting to get just a glimpse at what it was about, she started to read the dedication. _To the girl who told me I was strong enough to accomplish the impossible. Who wanted more for me when I wanted nothing. Thank you._

Rory couldn't believe it. Never in her life had she thought that this would happen. That a book would be dedicated to her. She didn't know how to feel about it. She didn't know what the dedication meant for them. She remembered that conversation they had had back when they were teenagers. Even back then, Rory knew Jess would become something.

She heard her mother coming down the stairs and quickly put the book in her purse. The last time Jess had come up in conversation, Lorelai hadn't reacted so well. Rory didn't want to have an argument with her mom about the rekindled friendship between her and Jess. Especially since her mom would see that perhaps Rory still had feelings for her ex-boyfriend. Rory smiled at her mom as she started telling her a story involving Kirk.

* * *

Rory was curled up in bed, her old clock telling her it was past midnight. She knew that she should sleep since her mom had the entire next day already planned out for her. However, Rory couldn't wait another second to read Jess' book. She read the dedication again, smiling softly as she ran her fingers over the words, before turning the page to the first chapter. As she began reading, she could hear Jess' voice in her head.

' _Robert's earliest memory was of a concerned mother telling his own, "The innocence of child should be protected for as long as possible." He always thought back to that woman. He wondered what his life would have been like if she had been his mother. A mother so concerned for a child that wasn't her own, trying to save him from a world of misery. He could only dream of the love she must have shown to her own children. Would it have been a utopian experience? Would he have looked at the world around him, only able to see the good? He would never truly know. Robert, though, had heard that when he was on the cusp of losing that innocences._

 _His second earliest memory was of his mother a few weeks later, on his birthday. She had forgotten he had turned five since she was coming down from her latest high. Angered over the fact that there was no money to get her next hit, she had shook him violently, telling him it was his fault. He had begged her to allow him to go to school. His school had told her to buy him new school supplies. She had wasted all her money on him. Didn't he care about her and her needs? Now she couldn't get what she needed._

 _Robert remembered how her nails dug into his small arms as she told him that she should just withdraw him from school, since he was a dumb brat anyways. He remembered how her harsh words had made him feel, as if he was nothing. When he had started to cry, she pushed him away, disgusted with him. Later that night, when she sobered for the briefest of moments, his mother had come to him as he tried to fall asleep, crying. She begged him for his forgiveness, telling him through her sobs that she didn't mean anything she said and that she was sorry. She promised him she would get clean._

 _Robert, of course, forgave her, still believing she would change. The next week, after he had walked home five miles from his first day at school, he found his mother with her newest boyfriend and a syringe sticking out of her arm. It was in that moment Robert stopped living. He merely existed in his dystopian world.'_

* * *

Rory closed the book, letting the entirety of it wash over her. Tears clouded her vision as she looked out the window, the darkness of the morning concealing her emotions briefly. She hugged the book to her chest, trying to soothe the deep ache that had formed there from the first few paragraphs. It been allowed to go away, either, as she delved deeper into the story.

Rory brought a hand to her mouth, stifling a soft sob. A cry of sadness. It was a cry for the world being such a harsh, cruel place to live in. She knew what she just read. She knew deep down, this was Jess' story. This was his life written out before her. She understood now. Their past, the reasons he left, she could see it written out before her. This was the conversation they never had before he left. The explanation as to why he was so angry, so guarded. She understood now.

Another cry escaped as she blindly reached for her phone. Anger welled within her. Anger at all the people that judged him without trying to understand him. She squeezed her eyes shut, tears falling freely, as she thought on all she had read. All the terrible things he went through at such a young age. Her hand trembled as she dialed the number she memorized long ago. Rory didn't realize how early it was until his gruff, tired voice answered. " 'Lo?"

Rory tried to take in a steadying breath. She failed as another quiet sob escaped. "Jess."

She could hear, what no doubt were his sheets, rustling in the background as he pushed himself up. "Rory? Wha…what's wrong?"

Wiping at her tears, she shook her head. "I…I'm sorry. I shouldn't have called so late. Or is it early? I didn't mean to wake you."

Jess cleared his throat, his voice the only thing able to soothe her aching heart. "Don't worry about that. Did something happen? Are you okay? Is everyone okay? Your mom? Luke?"

Rory took in a shuddering breath as she assured him. "Everyone's fine. I just…I finished your book."

"Oh." Rory listened to him breathe in deeply, before he blew it out. She swallowed down another sob, her mind imagining him as a small boy with the whole world fighting against him. He always knew exactly what she needed to hear though. He knew her so well. "I'm okay, Rory."

Her hand tightened on her phone, as she looked out of the window. Rory's voice wavered, as she told him, "It's just not fair."

"Rory…"

"No, what happened," this time she couldn't stop herself from crying out, "it shouldn't have happened. You are such an amazing person, Jess. No one deserves that, but especially not you." Her anger came back as she thought back to when he first came to Stars Hollow. "Then you come here, to Stars Hollow, and they never gave you a chance. It isn't right. I know it doesn't change anything, but I'm sorry. I'm sorry for how the town treated you, how my mom treated you, and I'm…I'm sorry for how I treated you. I was a terrible girlfriend, wasn't I?"

Jess laughed softly at her self-deprecation. "You weren't a terrible girlfriend. I was bad at the whole talking part of our relationship."

Rory slowly slid down in her bed so she was laying on her side. "I wasn't so great at it either."

She could hear him, settling back down as well, as he told her, "Plus, we were young. We didn't know how to handle that type of relationship."

Rory knew exactly what he meant. She knew that if they had communicated, if they had done everything right, they could have been it. The one. "Yeah. I'm still sorry."

Jess spoke softly, "I'm fine, Rory. Honestly."

Rory hesitated for only a moment before she asked, "Can I come see you? I know we've only really talked through emails and texts, a few phone calls. I just…I would really like to see you."

She held her breath as she waited for his answer. "I'm not in Philly right now. I'm on the road with my publishers, trying to get my book in some places. Are you back in Stars Hollow?"

"Yeah, I'm staying here for a few days." Rory felt a smile start to form at the idea of seeing him again. Especially after reading his book. She need to see with her own eyes that he was okay.

"I'll be in Hartford in two days. If you're still in town we can meet up."

Rory pressed her phone closer to her ear, joy filling her. "I'll still be here." Her eyes sparkled with an idea. "I can even meet you at one of the bookstores. I can get there before you, talk you up to the owner. How does that sound? That way I'll know this time around at least one place I can put your book in the Staff Recommended section."

Jess laughed at that. "You don't have to do that."

"I know, but I want to. So, what store should I hit up first?" Rory smiled as Jess told her that he'd text her the address of the bookstore. A comfortable silence fell between them afterward, both listening to each other breathe. Rory felt her eyes grow heavy with sleep, as she whispered, "Jess?"

"Yeah."

"I'm really proud of you. Your book…it's my new favorite. For so many reasons." Rory wasn't sure, but she thought she heard him take in a sharp breath. She needed to end the conversation though, before she said something she wasn't fully prepared to admit. "I'll let you get back to sleep though. Hopefully you'll be able to get a few more hours in. I'll see you in a few days."

"See you then. Bye, Rory."

Rory whispered goodbye before ending the call. She looked at the clock as she hugged Jess' book close to her chest. Five in the morning. She would be able to get just under three hours of sleep. It was worth it though. As she started to drift off, Rory smiled thinking about seeing Jess again in just a few days.


	5. Chapter 5

**A/N: This story has taken over my life. I have so much planned for it. No, if you follow me on tumblr, you might have seen the post I made about how I view Lorelai and how she treated Jess. I do not hate Lorelai. However, what she did and said does need to be addressed. I'm going to do that. As many of you might have noticed, this story is not just Literati, but a look into Jess' past to see perhaps why he was the way he was when he came to Stars Hollow. This is my headcannon for him, since we have so little about his past. Also, when I watched 6x18 and saw how Chris reacted when Jess told him he would meet up with them later, I was like, oh, that's interesting. Does he not like Rory? Why would he look at her like that? So this, is me, taking into account that look. As always, I hope you enjoy.**

 **TRIGGER WARNING: Mentions of child abuse and minor mention of sexual assault.**

" _Behind every beautiful thing, there's some kind of pain."_ – Bob Dylan

That morning Rory had the hardest time getting out of bed. Her mother waving a cup of coffee near her nose was the only thing to help her get out and up. Lorelai dragged her to Luke's, grabbing Rory's fourth cup of coffee, before they headed out to shop and bond over much needed retail therapy. She was sitting in the dressing area, Lorelai trying on some new outfits, when she pulled out his book from her purse. She opened it to a passage that struck her (there were so many) deeply. She had wept the first time she read it, having to reread it three times more before she could move on.

' _He watched as blood slowly dripped down, congealing with the dirt beneath him. He didn't understand, not at first, why there was blood. The only thing he heard was a loud ringing before nothing. It was deafening in its silence. He couldn't even hear his own breathing. Was he still breathing? Robert didn't understand what was happening. He didn't understand why there was so much blood dripping on the floor. In the next moment, everything came back to him in a form of a bat hitting him again. He heard the crack of something, surely it couldn't be the bat. Perhaps his step-father had stepped on a twig. When the next swing came, he heard a pop and his shoulder burst into red-hot flames. That couldn't be right though, either, could it? He didn't remember a fire being close to them._

 _Robert saw red seep into his vision as muffled shouts surrounded him. Hands, so many hands, grabbed him pulling in different directions. Or was that just the world spinning on a different axis? He saw grim faced men looking down at him and he wondered how he got on his back He couldn't understand what they were saying. He could see their mouths moving but he couldn't understand them. Were they even speaking English?_

 _Lights flickered in the air around him, shining the dirt and blood with a kaleidoscope of colors. He didn't think that was the right word, but his words were coming to him. Robert groaned, his head hurting, his body hurting. Everything hurt. He just wanted the world to stop spinning and the pain to go away. He closed his eyes against the world that hated him so much, wanting to just let himself drift away. He wanted peace. There was more pulling and probing and some much touching. Why wouldn't they just leave him alone?_

 _As a light flicked in front of his eyes, blinding in its harsh nature, Robert's disoriented mind took him to a quote he read somewhere at some time. "People fear death even more than pain. It's strange that they fear death. Life hurts a lot more than death. At the point of death, the pain is over. Yeah – I guess it is a friend." That quote, swimming in his mind, brought forth a laugh. A gurgle of a laugh, really. Drowned out by the pain and blood. He didn't want to die, but he didn't want to live either. Living, that meant, suffering and he was tired of suffering. His ten year old mind was so tired of suffering._

 _More people were touching him, grabbing him, and holding him. Had he ever been held before? Surely he had as a baby, perhaps. Perhaps not. His mother didn't seem like the holding type. Not unless it was shaking or when she was sober enough to hate herself for not loving him. Robert didn't know how he felt about it. Did he want to be held? He didn't think so. Being held led to other things, false hopes dashed to harsher realities. He hadn't let himself be held since he was seven and his second (or was it the fourth, he couldn't remember) step-father comforted him when his mother had hit him. It wasn't comfort, not after what he made him do. What he promised to tell no one. No, Robert didn't want to be held. Not ever again._

 _Pushing them away led to more pain, yet that was welcomed over the panic that filled his chest and nearly drowned him alive. Sounds finally came to him unmuffled in a rush of crashing noises and shouting voices. People telling him to calm down and that he was safe. Safe? Robert doesn't remember a time when he felt safe. If this is what safe felt like, he didn't think he liked it. Soon, though, the pain went away and the lights grew dimmer. The shouting lessened and his world grew hazy at the edges._

 _His doctor told him afterward (there was always an afterward), he had seven broken ribs, a broken collarbone, a dislocated shoulder, three broken fingers, a severe concussion and a dislocated jaw. That didn't include the multiple lacerations and bruises covering his body. That didn't included that old fractures that had never been diagnosed, healed over without being set. His doctor asked him to tell him the truth, to say the word and he would be taken out of his home. Robert had heard the horror stories of the other side. He didn't want that. He would fend for himself, just as he had been doing since as long as he could remember. When he said nothing, only glaring out the window, his doctor sighed heavily, another weary soul seeing the harsher side of the real world. Words like nerve damage and physical therapy were thrown at him, but Robert didn't listen. He didn't care. This was his life. It hadn't been the worst beating he received. It wouldn't be his last. He knew that much. Life was harsh and cruel. Life fucked him over, so he said 'fuck you' back._

 _After a lot of fighting, his mother, the woman who was suppose to be his protection and safe place, took him home against his doctor's wishes. No charges were pressed, life went on as it was. She stayed with her husband. Robert didn't live in that apartment again. He slept where he could find shelter, hiding more often than not in libraries. He let the words of Dickens, Hemingway, and Kerouac take him into another world. Austen and Bukowski, even the nonsensical Rand wrapped him away safely for a while, easing the pain he felt physically to a mere distant memory. He showered in his school's bathroom. He stole food from classmates and once, when desperate, from a store._

 _When asked what happened a few weeks later, he slurred (the first words spoken since the incident) that he had gotten into a fight. He told his friends that what happened to him was nothing, it was the other guy they should be worried about. They believed him. They always did. They didn't need to know that his mother insisted that his 'step-father' teach him baseball since he wanted to join the Little Leagues. He only wanted to do it to get out of the house. His 'old man' though loved the sport. So, when he saw how truly terrible Robert was, the man decided to beat the sport into him. Robert knew he would never look at baseball the same way again._

 _His friends responded to his false story as they always did. The badass cool kid that everyone wanted to be. They didn't see the fear that laced his eyes, as Robert realized for the first time that he would have to learn how to speak again as he heard his slurred speech. Neither did they see how his breathing shallowed as he thought of having to teach himself how to write again, his fingers weak from the abuse. He remembered then the words nerve damage and physical therapy. The only physical sign to the damage being done to him. Only to be covered over by his own lies. Lies to shield, not them – never them, but himself. He didn't need their pity. He didn't need anything from anyone._

 _Robert's mother found him a month later, beaten and bruised, begging him to forgive her. He didn't say anything. She took his silence as forgiveness. It wasn't.'_

Her book as taken from her hands as Lorelai began skimming whatever it was she was reading. Rory snatched it back quickly, not wanting her mother to taint Jess' book. She didn't want to argue with her mother, not about the book or the author. Her heart was still broken over his words. All the words that he had bled onto the pages before her. She hugged the book close to her heart, shielding Jess' own heart from Lorelai. Her mother's eyes widened at Rory's reaction, surprised. "Whoa. What was that reaction for?"

Rory ducked her head, pushing a strand of hair behind her ear, before shrugging. "Sorry. I just…wasn't expecting that. I got caught up in it."

Lorelai eyed her daughter suspiciously, not truly believing her answer. This was the first time in months, though, that they had been able to meet up. She didn't want to spoil it with an argument either. "Okay." Turning around, she asked Rory what she thought of her outfit. She listened as Rory told her it looked great on her before Lorelai asked as nonchalantly as possible. "What's the book about?"

She watched in the mirror as Rory hugged the book to her chest again, only to bring her arms down when she saw her mother's stare. "Oh, um, well, it's sort of a coming of age story. Just a look at the harsher sides of life kind of thing."

Lorelai didn't see any sign Rory was lying, but she got the distinct vibe that Rory was leaving a major piece out. She snuck a peek at the cover, reading just the title, and filed it away for her to look into more later on. She smiled at Rory, deciding she didn't want what she was trying on, before saying, "Sounds interesting."

"Yeah." As Lorelai went back to put on her own clothes, Rory looked down at the book again. She traced her fingers over Jess' name before slipping it back into her purse.

* * *

That night Rory looked in her suitcase, trying to decide what to wear for the next day. She didn't want to look like she was going on a date. It wasn't a date. She was meeting an old friend who, she reminded herself, had a girlfriend. She knew that because she had asked Luke at dinner, her mom in the other room trying to soothe Paul Anka after he had seen a food he didn't like, how Jess was doing. He had seemed surprised, which let Rory know that Jess had been keeping their newfound friendship quiet as well. Luke told her he was doing good. The last time he had talked with Jess, he had been on a date with his girlfriend so they couldn't talk long. Luke then asked her why she wanted to know. Rory couldn't think of a good reason, so she had shrugged and told him she was just curious, quickly changing the topic when her mom came back into the room. Luke had shot her a knowing look at the quick topic change before continuing on with his meal. He didn't talk about Jess around Lorelai either.

Having decided on a pair of jeans and a nice cashmere sweater, Rory was startled as her mom's humor laced voice asked, "What are you doing? Getting ready for a hot date?"

Rory jumped slightly, her hand covering her chest. "Mom! You scared me."

Lorelai held up her hands, smile widening as she teased. "You are getting ready for a date. Who is he? Tell me everything."

Rory placed her outfit on the side as her mother sat on her old bed. "I'm not getting ready for a date. It's nothing."

"Oh, is it a secret date? Do you think I won't approve? Rory, babe, I'm sure if you like him that I'll like him…eventually."

Rory shot her mom a look, before sighing. "It's not a date. I'm just…meeting up with an old friend. That's all."

Lorelai perked up at that. "Really? Who?"

Rory panicked momentarily, not wanting to tell her that she was meeting up with Jess. She searched her memory for someone she hadn't see in a long time before blurting out, "Marty."

She wanted to slap herself for picking him out of everyone. Lorelai's brow furrowed before she asked, "Naked college boy?"

Chewing her lip, Rory nodded. She dove deeper in her lie as she elaborated, "Yeah, I think he wants to apologize for how we left things. You know, maybe repair that friendship. I don't know. I'll let you know how it goes."

Rory started to get ready for bed, prompting Lorelai to get up. She still couldn't tell what it was, but Lorelai knew something was up with her daughter. Looking at her searchingly for a few more seconds, Lorelai asked softly, "You okay, babe?"

Looking at her mom, she responded with a forced smile. "Yeah, why?"

Lorelai shrugged, her mother's instinct telling her that her daughter was hiding something from her. "I don't know, you just seem…different."

Rory made her smile relax more as she went to kiss her mom on the cheek. "I'm fine, mom. Really. Love you. Night."

Lorelai smiled at her, kissing her cheek before saying, "Yeah, night." Closing the door behind her, Lorelai made her way up to her room. She watched as Luke settled into bed, mulling over Rory's behavior. Sliding underneath the covers, she turned to Luke. "Has Rory seemed different to you?"

Luke settled down into his pillow as he looked at her confused. "What do you mean?"

Shrugging, she shook her head. "I don't know, she just seems…different. Earlier, when we were shopping she was reading this book, she was so focused on it that she didn't hear me calling her name. So I went over to see what she was reading. She's never been one to hide books from me, but I got this weird reaction from her when I grabbed it. Almost like she didn't want me to see what she was reading."

Luke looked at her even more confused, "Okay…"

Lorelai barreled on, "And just now, I think she lied to me. She said she was meeting up with an old friend. Some guy from college."

"What, like a date?" Luke didn't like the idea of that. Rory forever a little girl to him.

Lorelai shook her head. "No, she said it wasn't a date. That he wanted to apologize for something that happened between them."

"Okay, why do you think she's lying?"

"I don't know. I guess it's a mom thing. I just feel like she isn't telling me the whole truth. Has she talked to you about anything?" Luke breathed out heavily as he pushed himself up to lean against the headboard. He had told himself that this time around in their relationship he wouldn't keep anything from her. He didn't want to talk about this, but since she asked point blank he wasn't going to lie. Lorelai looked at him in shock. "She has. What did you two talk about?"

Luke tried to wave it off. "It was nothing. She just, she asked about Jess."

Lorelai felt her gut clench and her heart drop. "Jess. As in your nephew, ex-boyfriend, breaker of hearts, Jess? That Jess."

"Lorelai…"

"What, no, you're right, I'm sorry. He didn't run away and break my daughter's heart. That must have been a different Jess. Right?" She couldn't believe it. She wanted to go down and talk to Rory immediately.

Luke halted her, his hand resting on her arm, as he told her. "Look, she asked how he was doing. I told her that the last time I talked with him he was good. We didn't talk long, though, because he was out on a date with his steady _girlfriend._ Okay? I'm sure she only asked since this college friend wanted to apologize for how he left things."

He started to settle back down into bed when Lorelai asked, "What do you mean by that? Why would she need to apologize to that punk? He's the one that broke her heart, repeatedly I might add."

Luke pushed himself up again, aggravated now that this conversation was still happening. "I don't know the details but from what I could gather from Jess' monosyllabic answers, they left things in a shaky spot when Rory was in Philadelphia. And before you ask, I don't know what happened. He didn't go into details and I didn't ask. From what I can tell, that was the last time they saw each other. Okay? Can we go to sleep now?"

Lorelai pursed her lips, before nodding once. She settled down into bed, looking up at the ceiling. She looked at Luke as he turned off the lights and settle back in as well. "I didn't know you talked with Jess."

Luke sighed heavily. "He's my nephew, Lorelai, of course I talk with him."

Shrugging, she pushed a little hard. "I just didn't know you two were so buddy buddy."

Luke pushed himself up again. "We talk maybe once every couple of months. Our conversations are ten minutes tops. He checks in and sees how I'm doing. That's it. Now can we please drop this."

Lorelai held up her hands in surrender, "Okay, subject dropped." She watched as Luke settled back down, his back turned to her. She didn't like it one bit though. Jess was always trouble in her eyes. Only bringing pain and heartache. She didn't like it at all.

* * *

Jess sipped his coffee, waiting with Matthew for Chris as he flirted with the barista. They were a block away from the bookstore that he was supposed to meet Rory in. She was probably already there, as she had stated she would be, talking up his newest book. He shot a look down the block at the store, Matthew taking notice of his nerves. "Jess, chill, they're going to love your book. Just like every other store."

Jess looked at his friend, "What?"

Matthew rolled his eyes, waving his hand up and down, it directed at Jess. "I haven't seen you this nervous since you gave us your manuscript. Honestly, you're freaking me out a little here. Calm down."

Jess rolled his own eyes. "I am calm. I'm not nervous about that."

Matthew shouted in triumph, "But you are nervous about something…or is it someone?" When Jess looked away, Matthew grinned widely. "Holy shit. You are. Did you and Becca finally make up?"

Jess shoot him a look at his words. "What do you mean by that?"

Matthew held up his hands, "Look, you might not have said anything but Chris and I both have noticed how tense you've been. You also haven't talk with Becca once while on this trip. Either you two broke up or your in a fight. I'm leaning more toward a fight. Chris is fifty-fifty."

Jess clenched his jaw, blowing out a slow breath. "We had a fight. But I'm not meeting Becca."

Matthew's brow furrowed as Chris finally came out, smiling widely. He stopped just short of them when he saw the tension in Jess' shoulders and Matthew's face. "What happened?"

Matthew shook his head as he told Jess, "Jess, who are you meeting?"

Jess looked down the block, before looking at his two friends. "Rory."

Chris swore underneath his breath as he took a step back before coming up to Jess. "Jess, don't this. She's no good for you. Look, I know you two have history. I'm your friend though and I'm only trying to protect you. I remember how you were when we first met, okay. So, as your friend, just be careful."

Jess knew what he meant. With Rory, though, it was what it was. They were always drawn to each other. "Look, we're meeting as friends. No expectations. I'm in love with Becca, okay? This is just old friends meeting again. She read my book and it hit her hard. Just, give her a chance. I know you guys will like her if you do. Okay? Just give her a chance."

The two men exchanged a look, not knowing what to do, but knowing they couldn't stop Jess either way. Taking in a deep breath, Chris told him. "Okay, we'll give her a chance. Hell, if you like her, she must be a hell of a woman."


End file.
